34. When Motherhood Feels Like "Hell:" A Christian Perspective on Reclaiming Joy in Homemaking and Motherhood

Keywords:

Mom life coach, Christian, Motherhood, parenting, gratitude, communication, family support, joy in motherhood, daily routine, mental health, family responsibilities, homemaking, motherhood, communication, independence, skills, empowerment, family, relationships, personal growth, parenting

Summary

From struggles with depression and post-partum depression, Tessa Weenink, a Christian mom and life coach, shares her journey of motherhood: the ups and downs, the peaks and valleys, and the lessons she learned about building skills and capacity as a mom, especially if we don't have a village to help us in raising our children and being a wife and mother in the modern world.

Tessa's experience comes from being a homeschooling mother of six, an entrepreneur and a dairy farmer from Alberta, Canada.

She shares her iinsights on motherhood, emphasizing the importance of starting with God, building a supportive home environment, and effective communication within the family. She discusses her mission to empower mothers and rebuild society by focusing on their well-being and capacity. Tessa offers practical advice on finding joy in motherhood, establishing daily routines, and teaching children responsibility, all while navigating the challenges of parenting. In this conversation, Tessa and Sheila discuss the importance of empowering independence in relationships, particularly in the context of Christian homemaking and motherhood. 

They emphasize the need for communication and teamwork between partners, the significance of building skills for a balanced life, and the role of homemaking in society. Tessa shares her personal experiences and insights on overcoming comparison, finding joy in motherhood, and the power of personal growth. The conversation concludes with resources for growth and advice for new mothers, highlighting the importance of taking one step at a time in the journey of motherhood.

This interview was conducted on March 12, 2025

To find out more about Tessa and Aimed at the Heart, and to download free resources, including Tessa's Christian homemaking tips, and to contact Tessa about her coaching programs, please visit:

https://www.aimedattheheart.com

https://www.instagram.com/@aimedattheheart

Chapters

• 0:00 Reclaiming Joy in Motherhood
• 6:33 Is Motherhood Heaven or Hell?
• 18:33 Rebuilding Society by Rebuilding Moms
• 30:41 Starting the Day with God
• 47:48 Building Your Home Team
• 1:01:51 Clear Communication with Your Spouse
• 1:16:17 Teaching Children Responsibility and Service

Transcript

Sheila Nonato: 0:00

What would you say to your 19 or 20 year old self, you know, when you were in the midst of all the busyness of being a new mom, of all the newness of having a baby, running a household, being a wife. What would you say to her when she's not feeling the joy of motherhood, when there's all the chaos or the stress, or just a lot of work and less sleep, little sleep. What would you say to her to recover, to reclaim that joy?

Tessa Weenink: 0:31

I would say put one foot in front of the other. That's all you need to do. Just take what's right in front of you. Sometimes capacity is non-existent. You don't have to do it. You don't have to do it all, just take the next step. That's all you need to focus on right now. But at the same time, keep taking that next step, because there is so much hope. There is a way, and I had to tell myself this, often through health issues, through depression, through a postpartum depression, which is a different beast altogether than regular depression, through marital struggles, through business struggles, all of this sort of stuff.

Sheila Nonato: 1:13

take one more step and hold on to that hope in your life. Hello and welcome to the Veil and Armor podcast. This is your host, Sheila Nonato. I'm a stay-at-home mom and a freelance Catholic journalist, seeking the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the inspiration of Our Lady, I strive to tell stories that inspire, illuminate and enrich the lives of Catholic women to help them in living out our vocation of raising the next generation of leaders and saints.

Co-Host: 1:39

Please join us every week on the Veil and Armour podcast, where stories come alive through a journalist's lens and mother's heart.

Sheila Nonato: 1:53

Hello, Sisters in Christ, welcome to this week's episode of Hot Topics, and we're looking at motherhood. Is it Heaven or hell? American singer Chappell Roan said parenthood is "hell. All of my friends who have kids are in hell, she said during an interview. Quote I don't actually know anyone who is happy and has children at this age, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept. Rowan said what is hell? According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, hell means

Sheila Nonato: 2:30

"to die in mortal sin without repenting and accepting God's merciful love means remaining separated from him forever by our own choice. This state of definitive self-exclusion from communion with God in the blessed is called hell." It continues Jesus often speaks of Gehenna, of the quote unquenchable fire reserved for those who, to the end of their lives, refuse to believe and be converted, where both soul and body can be lost. Jesus solemnly proclaims that quote he will send his angels and they will gather all evildoers and throw them into the furnace of fire and that will pronounce a condemnation quote to depart from me, you cursed, and into the eternal fire.

Sheila Nonato: 3:04

Now I know we can get exhausted. Parenthood can take a lot out of you. It can require sacrifices financially, emotionally, physically and all of us, all us mothers who have given birth, know that sacrifice all too well, but all in the name of love. And now, is that really hell?

Sheila Nonato: 3:23

I know there are stages of parenthood. There are phases of parenthood where, when the kids are little, yes, it does take a lot out of you, and especially when we don't have our village to depend on, we don't have our mothers who live near us or help, babysitting is out of the question in terms of the budget. And when the family is young, out of the question in terms of the budget. And when the family is young, this is a challenge. But is that really hell? Is that what we consider hell? And the earthly sense that everything, that it's an all or nothing, that it's either heaven or hell? But you know, are our children really bringing us that much misery? I would beg to differ and say yes, there are challenges, misery. I would beg to differ and say, yes, there are challenges, but that doesn't mean we are not enjoying motherhood, we are not happy in our motherhood. Perhaps, you know, we need more resources, perhaps we need more skills in homemaking in our motherhood, more tactics and tips to help us to get through some of the challenges that we do face, especially if we are doing motherhood on our own a lot of times.

Sheila Nonato: 4:34

And now, what if motherhood didn't have to be exhausting, depleting and costing us so much? What if there was another way that a happy, healthy and life-giving vision of motherhood is possible? Let's hear from Tessa, from Aimed at the Heart. Share her experience of motherhood as a homeschooling, mom of five, a dairy farmer in Canada, a new entrepreneur and a Christian homemaker. What is the secret to a happy, healthy and holy motherhood? Tessa, please give us some tips and thank you for joining us this week.

Sheila Nonato: 5:10

God bless. Sisters in Christ, let's join together in prayer. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen, our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen, Hail Mary full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Sheila Nonato: 5:59

And let's hear Tessa. Welcome back, Tessa. In one of our YouTube shorts, actually, of you talking about how you have been teaching your kids how to be responsible. One of them had over 500 views. I think. At least three of them were very popular because people, moms especially are interested in knowing how do you have a less stressed and more blessed motherhood. So I'm just going to reintroduce Tessa again. Tessa is a mom, life coach, a homeschooling mom, an entrepreneur and also a dairy farmer, and I don't know how you have time for all these things, tessa, but that is amazing. Welcome back, and can I ask you what is your mission statement?

Tessa Weenink: 7:06

My desire to affect change in the world has always been to, I'm a firm believer that moms are the foundation of society and that all of society is built on what happens within our homes. So my life goal is to rebuild society by rebuilding moms, helping them increase their capacity. That's been a word, that's really a phrase, that's been really big in my life lately. Increase your capacity so that your life, your marriage, your motherhood is not draining you, so that you do have left like more to give to your surrounding community, rather than feeling drained and always coming from a place of depletion. So my real life goal that sounds really ambitious is to rebuild society by rebuilding moms rebuild society by rebuilding moms.

Sheila Nonato: 7:51

That's, That's a beautiful and a gigantic task, but we all have to start, you know, from the foundation. So can you help us sort of build that foundation? How do we have a happy motherhood? Because, you know, in, I guess, tv shows or other media, you know, we always see like the mom is always stressed, she's always doing so many things. She's working. Now she has to come home and do the, you know, the laundry, the dishes, everything, prepare the dinner. She's the super mom. And then there's sort of sometimes a sense of maybe depletion, you know, or maybe a little unhappiness, or maybe resentment if she feels like she's taking on everything. So how do we recover, reclaim this joy of motherhood that is rooted in our faith in Christ? How do we? How do we do that?

Tessa Weenink: 8:41

OK, so that's really interesting. I don't know how much I shared on our previous podcast about my start into my journey of motherhood, but when I was 18, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. So I started motherhood from a place of depression and overwhelm and it took me a really long time to move out of that, like build myself up with, like give myself enough skills and mental training, the physical health stuff I have struggled with a lot of really some completely not related to me, just really bad luck stuff, but other stuff based on chronic health issues. So it took me a really long time to figure out how to serve my family and not feel stressed and overwhelmed. I think sometimes we look at these moms that are on the other side of this journey and think, oh, they've always been this way. But that's not the reality. Most of us are starting probably right where you are, maybe even further back. I mean, I look at a lot of my mom friends that I've been in my life for long periods and they've had different challenges, but every single one of us has had struggles to overcome. But so, as a Christian, I truly believe that the number one place and the number one place when I go through, because depression is a little bit like a roller coaster you end up on like easier times and you end up on more difficult times, and every time that I get to one of those really, really difficult stretches, the first place that I've always gone is reconnecting with God and making sure that, if nothing else happens, at least I am leaning on him and connecting with him.

Tessa Weenink: 10:27

And so, for me, when I'm really really rock bottom, the first thing I do is try to think of three things I can be grateful for. And it sounds really simple, and truth is that process is actually really simple. It takes sometimes five, 10 minutes and I physically write it down. I'm a pen to paper kind of person. I have all of the digital tech and, like you know, I've got the smartphone, I've got a tablet that I can like write on, but when I really need to, what I need is just like a journal or just a sheet of loose leaf, a scrap sheet of paper. I used to find I had sticky notes that I would write these things on, but to put pen to paper and just write three things, lord, and I did this first thing in the morning, before my day had come, so my day wasn't coloring it, so I started my day from a place of gratitude like Lord. I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head when it's raining, that I have children who know how to dress themselves, you know just really seemingly minor things, but it starts your day in a good place and it starts your day connecting with God.

Tessa Weenink: 11:33

Because for me, the whole thought of spending massive amounts of time in deep prayer or reading scripture when I had my little ones in my lap, in my arms all the time, it was next to impossible. But starting just from that point of three things of gratitude, and then I would expand, once that kind of became a regular in my life, I expanded to three items of prayer Lord, help me today with the lack of sleep. Help me today with this physical ailment. Please help me just get a little bit of laundry done today. And just like really point form, but starting it simple, but starting with God.

Tessa Weenink: 12:11

From that point, once you start filling your spiritual cup and it's not, you're not filling your spiritual cup at that point you're letting God pour into you so that you were starting, you're finding that center of peace within him, regardless of the storm that is brewing outside, you know, like in a hurricane. I'm not from a hurricane area whatsoever, I'm from Southern Alberta. There are no hurricanes here, but I have read about them and there's the eye of the storm. Right, so you can be in the eye of the storm and things seem really calm, but there's still chaos around you and I kind of feel like a lot of life is spent trying to stay in that eye of that storm. There's always going to be chaos, there's always going to be challenges and I think, as I'm saying, it sounds a little pessimistic, but God does not promise us an easy life, but he promises to be with us in the life that we are in and so helping him be like that anchor in the midst of the storm.

Tessa Weenink: 13:05

From that point you start filling the needs of your family and your children. But if you are starting it from like, oh my goodness, I first have to get all of my work done and then I can focus on my kids. Oh, and once I've got my kids all settled out, then I'll go and have a private prayer time, it's not going to work. You're building from the outside in and you're going to run into like pushback every step of the way, because you should be working from the center out, starting with God, then moving into families, and once you have your, your family, filled, then you can move out into the greater world, into things like whether it be volunteering elsewhere, contributing to the world in other ways beyond just staying sane while you're a mom. Does that make sense?

Sheila Nonato: 13:49

Yes, it does so, if I'm understanding it correctly, sort of the building blocks, the building foundation. We start with God and prayer. Do you have a set time? You know, once you get up, do you go somewhere? Is there a prayer space? Do you have a routine? How does it work for you and how long Some people are like I don't have an hour. How do I pray if I don't have an hour?

Tessa Weenink: 14:14

Yeah. So I have six kids that we homeschool and they're always here. There is no quiet prayer time, very few seasons. Right now. My littlest is going to be two tomorrow. Actually, as of the recording of this, so he's two and that's a very different stage than when you have a brand new baby. When you're in those seasons getting an hour away, it just doesn't happen.

Tessa Weenink: 14:42

So for me personally, when I have little ones, I just go and I grab my morning coffee and sit in my comfy chair and I have my newborn or my baby in one arm. Often another young child will crawl into my lap and then, as long as they're not in my left hand because I'm left-handed, then I can still write. If they are, and if my arms are full and I physically do not have a hand free to write, because you know children like to be on mom then I will just even almost mentally think my praise and prayer. I call it my three items of praise, three items of prayer. I think that other people will call it a daily exam and where they do five items of praise, five items of prayer, and trying to think there's another one, five, I can't remember anyways, but I limit myself to three, because otherwise I can't think beyond three. First thing in the morning, before I've had my coffee, at this point I grab my morning coffee, which is often made with a toddler on my hip. Or my 14 year old now has decided he's drinking coffee. So a lot of mornings I'll come up and he's gone outside to do his farm chores. He comes in and he makes coffee. So then I could just pour my coffee. And I've learned, if I sit at the kitchen table and tuck my chair in really close, the kids physically can't get into my lap. Sometimes that works. Occasionally my toddler will literally crawl onto the table, just sit beside me on the table.

Tessa Weenink: 16:06

It doesn't have to be perfect to be productive. It doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to have hours and hours of alone time. God will meet you where you are. And if all you have is 35 seconds to shoot off a quick prayer and say, lord, I am so thankful for these wonderful people that you have filled my arms with and my lap prayer, and say, lord, I am so thankful for these wonderful people that you have filled my arms with and my lap with and my table with, god will meet you there. He will meet you where you are. It doesn't have to be fancy.

Tessa Weenink: 16:33

Start where you can, as my two-year-old now gets bigger, a lot of times in the mornings he is toddling off to play with his siblings, or my kids make themselves breakfast If they want to eat in the morning. I'm not doing it. I'm not feeding them. They feed each other. So then he will go and they all will get their breakfast stuff done. And my time I'm still at the kitchen table. I'm still interrupted. No-transcript. To be perfect, it doesn't have to be quiet. It's going to be what you are capable of doing. If you're going to wait for perfection, it's never going to happen.

Sheila Nonato: 17:34

Yes, so I love this idea. So when you start the day you said you start with gratitude. You talk to Jesus, you read scripture if I'm listening to it correctly and then you write it down and sort of contemplate amongst the busyness of the start of your day, but that kind of, you know, like the coffee, it's your spiritual kind of fuel, as you were saying, like filling your cup with God. And so does that, since you're a life coach, so does that sort of orient your mindset for the day that you know start with gratitude, meaning thank you, and so when things are thrown your way that you don't expect, you are able to kind of go back to that gratitude, that thank you God, even if something happened that you didn't expect, you're able to bring that mindset and change that sort of negative situation into a positive. Is that sort of how you go about it?

Tessa Weenink: 18:39

Yeah, yeah, sort of. As you're speaking, I'm thinking of that, one of the scripts that I really really had to drill into my head, that I've been working on since, I guess since my daughter was born and she's five. So I am quick to recalibrate, because I was not. I do not do change. I'm a very linear thinker and really like to. Before I had kids, I was a person that had my schedule planned down to the minute, my to-do list planned down to the minute, my to-do list planned down to the minute very type A in that sense.

Tessa Weenink: 19:05

So, letting go of the control with kids, you have to to a point. I mean you obviously need a certain amount of structure, but things are going to happen, and how can you pivot throughout that? And a lot of it is, I mean, part of it is just having kind of pre-made plans for, oh, if a child gets sick, this is how I can respond, and some of that comes with experience or talking to other more experienced mothers I had. My son was sick a couple of days ago and the older kids can. I could go to work and they will kind of take care of each other. But it was the baby, my toddler, who's still, he's still my baby. I mean, he's two but he's still my baby. And so that was.

Tessa Weenink: 19:46

It took a different kind of recalibration. If it was my first, I wouldn't know what to do in that circumstance. People think six kids is hard, but by the time you get to the six you've already been through all of this. I knew kind of how he was going to behave. So when he was clinging to me all day, it wasn't a surprise and it didn't drain me because I was expecting it. So being quick to recalibrate is partially knowing the options that are available to you. But starting the day with God really does set the tone for your day, even if it. I have a friend who, the minute that her alarm clock goes off in the morning, she opens her eyes and then closes them again and says a really quick prayer like God, please be with me through my day and help me to see the joy. And it's finding peace, not in the beauty of life and in the love of life, although that's absolutely there, but finding beauty and peace in spite of all of the things that are going on.

Tessa Weenink: 20:46

And as somebody who's got a rather full life, one thing I want to point out is. My life did not start this full. I started with one child, just the same as everybody else. That's not true. Some people start with twins or triplets, but we start at the beginning. I now do have six kids and several businesses and all of this other stuff going on, but I didn't start here. I built up those skills over the last. I've been a mom almost 17 years now and I built up all those skills over this time.

Tessa Weenink: 21:12

So give yourself the grace to say this is where I'm at right now. What can I do right now, in this moment? So, when you do have something thrown your way, like an unexpected sick child, or your vehicle breaks down, okay, you can still find peace within that storm. And what can I do in this circumstance? Even though you can be stressed and overwhelmed and depleted, you don't have to do it all. But what can you do? Just focus on that one thing. Focus on that one thing. You know what. I can get somebody to cover for me at work.

Tessa Weenink: 21:48

I'm working outside the home for the first time in like 16 years. I worked a little bit outside the home when my eldest was a baby, but other than that I've worked within my home and on the farm I guess, technically in the barn, is outside the home, but I could take my kids with me. Now I work at a children's play place, an indoor play place in town that a friend and I just bought a few months ago, and so I have my shifts that I need to do there, and I thought, OK, my options are to leave my toddler at home with his siblings or to ask my business partner can you find a way to navigate this? It turned out she was able to navigate this but, worst case scenario, we would have shut down for a couple of hours. She ended up finding childcare for her kids.

Tessa Weenink: 22:28

You don't know how it's going to work out, but there's always a way forward. There's always something, even if it's something small, that you can do, and my something small was I needed to sit and cuddle and deal with all the laundry that happens when you have a sick toddler later. Don't stress about it, it's going to happen. Stress doesn't make it. Don't borrow worries from tomorrow. Is that the saying? Just focus on what you can do right in this moment.

Sheila Nonato: 22:56

And I love that you're talking about seasons of motherhood and the building blocks building that foundation. So for those young moms or women who you know may want to become a mother in the future, if they're sort of they're trying to navigate everything, everything is new. And for the young mom, let's say kids are small and they don't have. You know, I think nowadays not everyone has their parents to come and help them. Maybe they're not living near them or they don't have a babysitter. It's just not in the budget at the moment. How can they build that capacity within themselves and also to have that joy in motherhood that you know? Let's say, yes, I'm home all day. Or you know I don't have a babysitter, but how can I manage everything and still keep my peace and sanity If I'm home all day? Let's say that was my situation a few years ago when the kids were very little. And yeah, just, you know, how do you keep that peace?

Tessa Weenink: 24:06

First of all know that it's normal, totally normal, to be the sanity yes, keeping my sanity. I very much relate to that. So, so much, and I, most of my motherhood journey, haven't had any support. I have had good friends, but they all have also had their own little ones and childcare. Swapping it just it was never something some moms will like say, oh, I'll take your kids, you take mine. My kids were always really, really attached to me. My first four kids were very attached to mom and still very introverted homebodies and childcare regularly for them, even if I was like in the home which, again, I never had this until I think my fourth was a baby. When I asked my friend's 14 year old daughter to watch the kids for an hour so that my husband and I could go for a drive, that was the first time we ever didn't have kids with us. They were always with me.

Tessa Weenink: 25:07

So I relate very, very much to not having that support. I should say not having that support in that sense and in that case you kind of have to raise your own village and we talked about this on the last time that I was on your podcast. Was getting your kids involved in something as simple as homemaking, communicating really clearly with your spouse, I feel like. But at the same time we don't do ourselves any favor when we do not allow our spouse to see the truth of what's going on in our heart. Now this is very different. You can go to the other side and go into like nagging and controlling, or you can go into being a doormat. I mean being really blunt. There there are, and I think sometimes within we feel like scripture is kind of teaching us to be a doormat. But that's not true. Part of being in a marriage is I look at iron, sharpens iron it is our job to edify, uplift and support our husbands in their pursuits and what they feel God has called them to, our husbands in their pursuits and what they feel God has called them to. But at the same time it is not doing them any favors by not communicating when we are feeling that doormat kind of feel like when he comes home from work, for example, and says oh, I just need two hours in my man cave to decompress from work, and my husband and I got married young to decompress from work.

Tessa Weenink: 26:43

And my husband and I got married young. We met at 17. We're married at 19. So we had the privilege of growing up together. We've been married over 20 years now, but we were both really young when we got married. However, a lot of times when a woman has a baby, she has to grow up. She just does because it's your little heart walking around outside or, you know, sitting before they're walking. You know what I mean. And our husbands? Their transition is different.

Tessa Weenink: 27:13

So when we, in a loving voice, can communicate to them that you know what I understand, you're done work at five o'clock and that you need time to decompress from work, can you please do that on the drive home, so that when you get home from work, I can take time to decompress too? Because your work, it's work. Let's face it. You are working 24-7 as a mother and with a lot of polite communications. This is something I do in my life coaching. It's not so much something that I've offered in standalone courses, but because marriage is a delicate situation. It's not something I typically speak about, but I do truly believe we as women do ourselves a disservice when we don't communicate these things in a kind and loving way to our husband, not expecting that he's going to understand it right away.

Tessa Weenink: 28:02

I think my husband and I were married for like 14 or 15 years. When I had a conversation I finally he's got a mechanical brain and so I finally explained it to him I can't even remember the exact wording, but using a car analogy which I'm not a mechanical brain, so I had to get really creative with this but he finally understood that, yes, you get home from work, from this job, but now you're at this job You're not done work until the kids are in bed, any more than I'm done work till the kids are in bed. But just his final understanding of that has game changer. I don't do bedtimes anymore because he actually enjoys it. He likes doing the baths and the bedtimes and whereas for me, by the end of the day I'm stressed, I'm done. So that's one thing Communicating really clearly with your spouse about where you're at, not in a whining way, but just in a hey, these are the facts. Can we find a way to navigate this so that you and I are both part of this parenting team and the homemaking team?

Tessa Weenink: 29:03

Just because he's done work at five doesn't mean the work is done. There's still work to be done at home. He lives there too and then also teaching your kids from a really young age, bringing them into your world. It starts really with just connecting with your children. So my two-year-old does not do like he's not capable of caring for the home but at the same time he loves to help out his siblings with the dishwasher. So he will empty the dishwasher and I put all of my dishes on a lower shelf which, yes, has resulted in some broken dishes. But he is able to go, grab a plate from the dishwasher and, under the supervision of me or his siblings, contributes, he puts it on the pile of plates. That's not hard for a two-year-old to do and when you start him, when they're young, it's second nature. You live in the home, you care for the home.

Tessa Weenink: 29:53

One of the scripts that my family has is our home is a blessing from God and we show our gratitude to him by taking good care of it. The same thing with siblings, when siblings are fighting, because as much as my kids do get along really, really well, we still have squabbles Not nearly to the extent that a lot of other families do, because I teach my children to serve each other. Your siblings are a blessing from God and we show our love and gratitude to them by playing with them in their zone rather than trying to control all the play or by serving them, say you know what? I know that that's not your towel on the floor, but please pick it up anyways. So my kids do each other's laundry. They clean the bathrooms. My older kids based because of um, because partially of just the natural way that things in our home go, because I have physically not been able to and mentally like because of physical and mental health, there have been many seasons of my life when I just haven't been able to do what a normal mom would, so my children have had to step up.

Tessa Weenink: 30:56

But it's also benefited all of us, I think, in a massive, massive way, so that I don't feel stressed and overwhelmed when I have extra on my plate. It's currently tax season, so I'm trying to prepare information to send to the accountant for a couple of different businesses so that they can get the taxes done. That's an extra busy season Plus. We've just did the grand reopening of a business, our grand opening of a business in town where I'm working out of the house again three days a week and choir season started again and I'm the executive director at our local choir, not conductor. I direct, like the management, the admin side, but all of these things are only possible because I built up a village within my home, because I have created I've, yeah, created my own really with my family and my children, by being really clear and consistent with communicating the importance of supporting each other.

Sheila Nonato: 31:54

Wow. So, if I'm understanding this correctly, so in terms of the building the foundation, you exposed your kids to the responsibilities at home, even if you know whatever they could do based on their ability, and then you had a conversation with your husband and, I'm assuming, with your children too, to sort of explain to them this is how we will be running this household. You're going to have to chip in because it's a team. I think from the last interview you were talking about the team effort that you want all the players to feel like they're the MVP Meaningful contribution is a phrase that I use a lot.

Tessa Weenink: 32:30

Kids crave meaningful contribution. They want to be part of the team. Absolutely, that's beautiful. And I will say I got to say multiple conversations with my husband. Okay, it's not just one conversation, multiple conversations. It's been 20 years of conversations with my husband, 17 years of mothering my children. In this vein, there's a reason why God gives us 18 years with them under our roof, or more. It's not an overnight thing, but it is a possible thing.

Sheila Nonato: 32:59

And so I don't know if this is sort of a male-female brain situation, but so I have done this, I am guilty of doing this, but, yes, the lack of communication and sometimes also maybe frustration. At the end of the day you're just and you don't know how to communicate, you're just exhausted. But sometimes, like yeah, I just don't straight out tell my husband, like, can you please do this for me? I don't know, take out the garbage or this, and that, like I kind of, yeah, it's, it's not good. But sometimes I have, you know, sort of hinted at it. Oh, the garbage is full again, but you know, like not in a nice way, yeah, so that's the nagging.

Tessa Weenink: 33:47

Marital communication advice that our premarital counselor gave us. Now, keep in mind we were 19 at this time and he was a little uncertain because we were so young. And he told me that and my husband was sitting or my future husband at the time was sitting right next to me. He says I just want to tell you a little bit about how men communicate. Okay, we do not do subtle With a man. You need to state it bluntly. You have to hit them in the face with a two by four or they will not get it. So when you say to your husband, oh man, the garbage is overflowing, he looks at it oh yeah, it is, and that's that right, and so it's. And I tell this joke often about my husband because it's so true he does not take subtlety. Well, and our premarital counselor said you need to hit them in the face with a two by four. I joke about how I need to hit my husband in the face with a two by 10. So I learned really early on that if I want something, I need to be really, really explicit. So instead of saying, oh, the garbage is really overflowing right now and he'll say, oh yeah, it is, and that that's honestly, a lot of times times how far your husband's mind goes and other times, you know based on past conversations, at that moment he's going to be like, oh, here it comes again. Right, and sometimes rightfully so, because, yeah, I'm not always super polite with my husband. I speak to him in frustrated way. But if we can make better patterns in communication, say, oh, you know what, you're actually headed right out, why don't I grab this bag of garbage? I'll tie it. You're going right out the door. Can you please just put it in the dumpster? Or I don't know, do they have dumpsters in town? How does that work? We have a dumpster that's like by my bar and it's like right next to where my husband goes. So that's, and I will literally like, hand him the bag, oh, can you please just put this in the dumpster. And at that point most men are like, oh yeah, no big deal, right, they do it without thinking this.

Tessa Weenink: 35:41

This is the same way with training children. You start them really small. Training children, you're allowed to say training children. You're not allowed to say training husbands, but you're uh, so with kids, I will say and, and husbands are really similar, although again, that's a really tricky conversation. Training our husbands. I don't want to look at it that way, but it's maybe more like learning how to communicate more effectively with your husbands, but with a child, because not everybody's starting with their kids when they're two years old and they just empty the dishwasher because it's second nature, because it's something they've done their whole lives. No, many people are starting with five, six, seven, eight-year-olds teenagers.

Tessa Weenink: 36:20

It is if you were to tell a teenager who has never lifted a finger in the home okay, go, do all the laundry. Their brain is going to just fireworks are going to go off and you're going to get immediate resistance because they don't know how, they don't know what, they don't know, they're instantly stressed and overwhelmed. You're going to send them into that emotional red zone and cause a ton of stress for them, which is going to cause a ton of stress for your relationship. If, however, you were to say oh, you're headed down the hall, can you please grab this, like, just hand them like the kitchen towel, please put this in the laundry basket, they will almost do it without thinking and they'll, oh sure, and that is a a yes response. So it's small enough that there is no reason for them to object. So you are um oh, there's a word for it creating barriers of resistance. You're decreasing the barriers of resistance, the barrier of entry, like it's like an economic term. Decreasing barriers of entry, yeah.

Sheila Nonato: 37:18

It works with our kids too.

Tessa Weenink: 37:19

You are decreasing their need to resist because it's such a small task that they almost don't even think about resisting. And then they say yes. And then you do this a few times and they get in the habit of just saying yes and grabbing laundry when they go down the hall. Then next time you say oh hey, I see you're going to go down the hall. Can you just grab the towel from the sink and toss it in the thing? Well, now you're one step further, and it's the very same thing with husbands.

Tessa Weenink: 37:45

It's almost always that spouses. It's not that they're not willing, it's that they don't know, because we're not communicating clearly and, let's face it, a lot of times they're exhausted at the end of the day too, which is when we approach these kinds of things. It's very different if they've been able to sleep in on a Saturday morning and it's 10 or 11 o'clock. Coming up on lunch and saying, hey, can you go get the butter from the fridge so that I can make lunch. That's again creating a really small yes response. And now, all of a sudden, they're helping you in the kitchen Right, because you've been clear and you haven't overwhelmed them. Does that make sense?

Sheila Nonato: 38:22

Yeah, yes, absolutely. And I my husband's going to be listening to this, so I have to say he does take out the garbage. So I just gave a bad example, but no, the garbage is an easy one.

Tessa Weenink: 38:31

I use that example all the time with my kids, and yet my kids always take out the garbage.

Sheila Nonato: 38:37

But, yeah, what I sample all the time with my kids and yet my kids always take out the garbage. But, um, yeah, what I see what you're saying is that you know. So, yeah, I do what you're saying about being like husbands coming home being exhausted. I think that's also part of why, um, I and me, and probably other women they don't want to say it out, you know, stay straight to them that you got to do this, you got to do that because I'm mindful that he's, yeah, worked a full day and he's also tired, um, and I don't want to add another burden. But then the thing is, when I keep it to myself, then it's like you know, kind of like festering inside.

Tessa Weenink: 39:10

Yeah, I think you are adding burden in that because, yeah, it's the same thing as as kids.

Tessa Weenink: 39:15

We don't do them any favors by not teaching them the skills that they need to survive in the real world. We do not do our husbands any favors by not teaching them how to run the household when we're not available, whether it be you go to a retreat for a weekend and he doesn't know how to do things. That's not fair to him. Why would you put him in that situation? Uh, there I. I gave an example of a little bit different example, but I think it goes in this vein recently to a friend who we talked about how I like to plan things. I am a list maker, I am a planner. I do not do spontaneous activities. My husband is the fun one where he will have these ideas and they're spontaneous. He comes to me on a Friday morning and we had gotten a camper, never used it, and says to me and we had four little kids at this time four, maybe it was five, four or five kids anyways. He says to me we should go camping this weekend and my instant response was panic. But because I knew that that is just my brain, panicking at the thought of we need to like clean the camper. We need to fill the camper, I need to pack all the kids stuff. I don't know how to do any of this. This was in. Camping is a new skill to my family. At that point and I took a step back, took some deep breaths. I had been working really, really hard with a life coach at this time and she was teaching me to kind of overcome that panic, anxiety response and I said, okay, let me think on this. So what I did? He went back to work. He literally came in the house but because the barn is right across the yard from my house, he came in the house, said to me, hey, we should go camping. And then left back to the bar, like, okay, just pause, we're going to pause this, we're not going to talk about it for a while, you're going to let my brain process this. I made my lists and instead of saying an instant no which would have been my response probably six months before that date, just because I didn't have the capacity to do that At this point, I just said, okay, we're going to pause this conversation. I made my list and I figured out okay, I actually can navigate this. So it looked like I was being spontaneous for him. But really it was me planning, making the plan to fulfill his spontaneity. And where was I going with this?

Tessa Weenink: 41:34

Oh, somebody said to me when I was explaining this, this difference in how our brains work. She's like oh and yeah, you have to pack for the kids and you have to pack for your husband. And I said no, why would I pack for my husband? He's a grown man, he knows what he needs for a weekend. Oh well, what if he forgets his swimming trunks or his underwear or something? I'm like I don't know, that's on him, right, I right, I'm not gonna baby my husband. I will pack for the two-year-old. I'm not gonna pack for my 10-year-old. He knows how to read. I gave him a list. He knows what to pack.

Tessa Weenink: 42:01

And we have had times when we've gone camping and one of my kids has like forgotten all of his socks, for example. I'm like, well, I guess you're doing bare feet, not a big deal, right? Or one of them forgot a coat and it was kind of like a windy, rainy trip and he layered on sweat. I'm sorry, but you're old enough to read a list, you're old enough to pack your own clothes. And so I don't even make a list for my husband and they were shocked that I didn't have to make a list for my husband.

Tessa Weenink: 42:27

And I was shocked that, like your husband's a grown man and he doesn't know how to pack for a weekend away and I remember it was a retired couple and she was visiting a friend and the husband didn't know how to make himself a sandwich, so he went without lunch because he didn't know how to feed himself. Like, is that fair to our husbands to think that they are as incapable as small children when it comes to this stuff? That's not fair to them. But when you think of a lot of the sitcoms sorry, sitcoms that I don't know I think you and I are about the same age that we had growing up. I don't know if they're the same anymore, I don't watch a lot of tv, but it was basically the dad is a great big oaf who needs everything done for him in the house. Well, that's not fair. He's a grown man who's perfectly capable of acting like a grown-up, just like you are capable of acting like a grown-up. So it's not fair to our husbands if we treat them like children yes, absolutely, and it's.

Sheila Nonato: 43:25

It's great that you you know in the beginning you were talking about the conversation, the communication, how important that is to communicate what you're going to be doing as a family, as you were saying, like we, you need to let your kids in on. I guess it's almost like a secret, you know, like the homemaking secret when does everything go? How does everything go? And also, to have your husband on board, your partners, right? Your equal partners.

Sheila Nonato: 43:50

And yeah, exactly, and your kids too. You're also building them capacity so that when they grow up, when they have their own families, they can do the same thing and they're going to have more joy. Right, because I find so. I started reading the Bible again, started from the beginning. So what I've been learning is like how God is a God of order and he has rules. You know the Ten Commandments, leviticus, I'm now in Numbers, but what is the but all these? What is the point of all these rules? What's the point of order Is God is giving us, you know, capacity. We're not just infantile children. He wants us to grow up in our faith and in a relationship with Him, but all these rules are also to make us, to help us in becoming happy, you know, to lasting happiness.

Tessa Weenink: 44:39

To decrease that stress and overwhelm. How many of us came into marriage and motherhood without these skills? Why would we put our children through the same struggle?

Sheila Nonato: 44:50

Absolutely. I feel like there's a revival of this sort of homemaking domesticity. Revival of this sort of homemaking domesticity you know, Beg and Markle just had a new show about, you know, cooking and entertaining and stuff like that. So I feel like we're kind of returning to the basics, things that we kind of forgot or we thought wasn't that important.

Tessa Weenink: 45:11

Yeah, I think we thought it wasn't important and we were told get out of the house, use your degree, use your skills, because why would you use your skills for motherhood? And anybody who knows motherhood and homemaking knows that that is a whole different set of skills it takes to run a smooth, efficient household that runs to the point that you are not so stressed and overwhelmed that you actually have more to give to the community and in other capacities, like in other facets of your life. That's huge, and it's something that we've minimalized for so long, and not even just minimalized from the point of like, oh, go out, go to school, get a good job, like get good grades, get a great job. And then go out, go to school, get a good job, like get good grades, get a great job, and then, oh, you're just a mom like that. That's one side of it, but I think the other thing is we almost want to ignore it. We want to do all the other stuff while our house is falling apart.

Tessa Weenink: 46:13

And now I'm trying to think is it in Timothy where he talks about elders of the church? Make sure that their house is in order before you ask them to serve in the church? And part of that is because you want them to be the husband of but one woman and all that sort of stuff. But I think that we could also look at it as God is saying if an elder in the you know all that sort of stuff. But I think that we could also look at it as God is saying if an elder in the church does not have their home life in order, that is where their focus should be. And we as women are the same thing. If our home is not in order, that is where our focus should be. And sometimes that can be a really hard truth. That doesn't necessarily mean I understand that there are families that have mortgages that need to be paid by two jobs. That isn't necessarily. Focus is not the same as time. So you can give your leftovers to your work I mean within a certain capacity and then give your primary to your family. That is where your initial focus should be, because if you can get your family and your home life, god is a God of order for a reason because it benefits us. And whether that be homemaking routines, whether that be getting your kids' attitudes in the right place, that's your primary. I mean, again, starting with God at the center. But your second, your vocation, if you have kids, it's your family. If you have a marriage, it's your marriage. The people that are closest to you should be getting the best of you and then the leftovers which hopefully you have a lot left over by that point can go to your work.

Tessa Weenink: 47:57

If you are burnt out at home but not at work, that's telling you something. That's telling you that you need to work on your skills within the home, just like a lot of people have taken, you know, four to seven years training to get to the place where they are in their careers. Four to seven years training to get to the place where they are in their careers. Why would you neglect your training as a mom and as a wife and as a homemaker? I think all three of those are different things. A lot of the skills overlap, but to be a wife, that's uplifting and helping sharpen your husband into the man that God created him to be. That's a skill set learning how to communicate in a way that makes sense to him. For my husband, the mechanical terms work well. For an accountant husband, you might need to go to like a spreadsheet and talk about time projections and energy percentages or something. Meet your husband where he's at. That is one side of our life that should be getting proper attention and we should be working on the skills to be able to do that.

Tessa Weenink: 48:58

Then honoring the children that God has given to you and raising them in. There's a passage train up a child in the way he should go, and when he's old he will not depart from it. I don't think that means you know, push them into a certain career path. I think that means, as God made this child, and it's your job as a mom to get them to know them on such a deep basis that you can help them develop into the person that God designed them to be, so that they can pursue the things that God has in store for them. All kids are different. Figure out what makes yours exceptional and then mother in that vein. Again, that's a huge skill set to learn who they are, to be able to adapt your approach to them. What works with a very social kid is going to work with an analytical introvert. Get to know your kids so that you can meet them where they're at.

Tessa Weenink: 49:51

And then homemaking is a whole other different skill set Learning and I'm not saying it takes skills to wash a dish. My five-year-old can wash a dish, usually without dropping it and breaking it at this point right, the actual skill of washing a dish is not hard. The actual skill of folding a towel is not hard. But to create the system so that that happens consistently to the point that you are living in again not Pinterest perfect or Instagram worthy home, but in a home that runs smoothly, that's where the skill set comes in. So why do we put all of these skills into everything that happens outside the home and we aren't willing to put the time and energy into learning the skills to give our best to our spouse and our children and our home like our primary launching pad? Why wouldn't we set that up? We're going to launch a lot further if we have a solid launching pad underneath us.

Sheila Nonato: 50:50

Yes, absolutely A solid foundation. And I think I had made this comment to my husband a few times before, because I was saying, oh, I feel bad, I don't contribute, I don't earn anything. And he said you earn half of what I earn. And he said you actually have the most important mothers, have the most important vocation because of the children. The investment it's. It's not monetary, you know you don't, you know they don't earn money or anything, but it's a spiritual investment and it's actually also an investment for the community that you're going to raise the next generation of leaders and you want them to be leaders who have capacity, who have empathy, who have love of neighbor right, but they also need to be able to know how to cook and clean, right it's. You can't always hire whatever task rabbit or maid service.

Tessa Weenink: 51:42

Most of us can't right, most of us can't. We need to do it, figure out how to do it. And even if you can, even if you were to have like a full-time chef, for example, who cooked all your meals and did all of the kitchen stuff example, who cooked all your meals and did all of the kitchen stuff that's still a skill you need to learn, because who wants to be starving if the chef calls in sick? So I'm trying to think if it was Albert Einstein I think it was CS Lewis that said something along the lines of it's not a direct book, but something along the lines of every other job in the world is there to make sure that the mother can do hers.

Tessa Weenink: 52:15

And that's why I believe we are the. We are, like the pivotal point of society. And if we want a strong society, if we want strong country, a strong world, we as mothers need to create that strong foundation with our home. And that's what I mean by rebuilding society, one mom at a time. It's on us. We have we have the weight of the world in that sense is that we have the, the opportunity to change the world with that next generation. I love that your husband sees that.

Sheila Nonato: 52:43

Yes, I have a lot to learn from my husband, but I'm a little bit stubborn and you know, a prophet is never, I guess, without honor in his hometown yeah, in his hometown. So he does try to give me tips and I do have to have that humility because he put me in charge. I'm the CEO of this household and when things are kind of not working well, I feel embarrassed to tell him this is not working well. So when I I don't know if other women have this when he says something I know he doesn't say it out of you know, malice or anything like he's trying to help, but then because of my pride or maybe lack of humility, then I'm like cause he said I have a system, do you want to teach it? Want me to teach you how to do the dish? You know the dishwashing more efficiently, so we don't waste so much water.

Sheila Nonato: 53:36

But I think when I was a new wife I was so annoyed, like every time he would try to teach me things.

Sheila Nonato: 53:41

But then I'm thinking back and I'm thinking no one taught me this, so I should have been more humble and say, yes, can you teach me how to do this? He's in the army, so he's been taught certain habits, organization systems, certain habits, organization systems, but I guess also that sort of that humble sort of spirit of you know, realizing that we don't know everything and and, yeah, my husband, yeah, does always affirm me to be honest in my motherhood and and I'm trying to, you know, from, I guess, past wounds or whatever, I'm trying to accept, you know, maybe some women do have this kind of issue that they're trying to be more confident. You know, because Instagram, all that, you know, social media, to be honest, I deleted Instagram from my phone. To be honest, I deleted Instagram from my phone. But, you know, trying to compare, like right, comparison, is the thief of joy. Trying to compare oh, my house doesn't look like that. Oh, I don't even look like that, like how confident in their motherhood when they really should, they should be, they should own, own that. Right.

Tessa Weenink: 55:03

So I've got a couple of things to say. The first one is I sound really put together right now. I haven't showered in like five days, so you can't really tell, because I pulled my hair back. Showered in like five days so you can't really tell, because I pulled my hair back, but my shirt is all wrinkly because it sat in the washer for two or in the dryer for too long before it got folded. So those people that look put together on the outside still have their things. We had to get dinner out like three nights a week last week because I wasn't able to be home and cook for my family and I forgot to delegate it to one of my kids.

Tessa Weenink: 55:35

So we all have those things that nobody's perfect and if they look perfect, honestly, there are some really, really amazing people out there who have natural skills in some of these areas or have just learned them quicker than some of us do. It took me a really long time. I've been married for 20 years. If you've been married for five and you're looking at my wife thinking I can't do that, I will remind you that I've been working really, really hard for the last 20 years to get to the point where I can sit here today and say I am at peace in spite of everything that's on my schedule and even all the overdue tasks. But that's part of it. The other thing is we can choose to learn from people or we can choose to be hurt by people who aren't actually hurting us. You get to decide how you respond. So the comparison one is really tough. Tough Because we tend to like, like you were saying, there's that well, you're talking about your husband. Well, I can do this. I'm the housewife, I should know how to do this.

Tessa Weenink: 56:43

Dr John Gottman calls it accepting influence from your, your spouse, which is wonderful, and it should go both ways. You should be able to chime in and say oh, you know, you're having this issue with your coworker. What if you were to say something like this with that work instead? So going back and forth like that and having respectful adult conversations For some reason we're told we're adults at 18 or in some states I think, it's 21. The reality is, it takes us a really long time to be adults. So that's one thing is accepting influence from your spouse, but also accepting influence from people who have skills that you don't have. You have skills they don't have. They have skills that you don't have, and we can look at this as an attack on us and allow it to hurt us and bring us down. And deleting Instagram, deleting Pinterest? I totally am. I really don't like social media, so I hear you on that one. Find people in your real life who can inspire you. That is.

Tessa Weenink: 57:42

The alternative is that you can feel the all the negative stuff when you're comparing or you could say you know what that there came a point actually I was scrolling Pinterest several years ago, and probably 10 years ago at this point, and scrolling all these wonderful chore charts and all this sort of stuff, and I thought my first thought went to oh my goodness, and I'm struggling just to get my kids fed every day, and they're not even clothed most days. The beauties of homeschooling. I didn't have to clothe them, they could go play, and we live in the country, so they'd go play out in their underwear or something. They weren't dressed every day, they were barely fed and I would scroll through these things and one day it occurred to me hmm, I wonder what I can learn from them.

Tessa Weenink: 58:24

And so then, going from a point of being inspired by people who have skills that you don't have, rather than becoming self-deprecating about the differences and then also knowing and this is like a hard one, I think, sometimes to remember, especially when we're having struggles with our children, for example, or with our spouse God puts you in this place for a reason not because he knows you're going to be perfect at it, but because he knows that you are capable Somewhere within you. Whether you know it yet or not, whether you have the skills yet or not, he knows you can do this with his support, with him filling you. But if there's a will, like if you allow him to fill you with the will, then you will find the way. So when you are looking at your kids and thinking I don't know why God put me here, I'm a terrible mother and you say wait a second. God literally genetically designed these little people to be in my home and in my care, he knows more than I do. So if I move from doubting the fact that I'm supposed to be their mother or whether I'm a good mother or not, is whether you count yourself as a good mother or not is kind of irrelevant, because at the end of the day, the thing that you should be focusing for is how can I love and honor these little people that God has put into my life? Well, that includes creating order, that includes things like discipline, but we all know we need to potty train our children. At some point they got to be out of diapers. Even if they object, even if it's a struggle, we know that this will happen at some point. Why would we doubt that? Any of all of this other stuff is also supposed to happen, which means there must be a way. If he puts you in that situation, he has also provided a way through it and therefore it sounds really flippant to say but comparison is only good if it's for your own benefit. It's like, hey, she's got something.

Tessa Weenink: 1:00:27

I had a friend early in my motherhood and she had her third at the same time that I had my first and I looked at her and I thought she has something with her children that I want. She doesn't fight with her kids all day long. That means it's possible, because people will say, oh, just wait till you get. Teenagers are going to be fighting all the time, and and I had actually a couple of friends in my in my early motherhood that had, like, one of them had her third, and so I would look at her and she had an amazing relationship with her kids. I had another friend who her eighth child is the same age as my first. So she was like in teenage and adult daughter territory and it wasn't perfect. Her kids weren't perfect, but she had this amazing relationship with them, in spite of the fact that they were all teens and hormonal and all of the things.

Tessa Weenink: 1:01:11

And I thought, well, if they can do it, it must be possible. And as soon as your brain can start understanding, you kind of open up that door to possibility. What if it could be easier? There are people who are doing this, so there must be a way. And that's why I say use the comparison to benefit you and to learn from it and to show you the possibilities. And keep in mind that social media, you have to look for people in your real life, because social media, we only look for people in your real life, because social media, we only show you our best, most people, or they will show you their worst, which isn't beneficial either, because who wants to see the mom that's like, oh, I fight with my kids all day long and complaining like, well, that that's kind of going the other way. Yes, we want to be real, but the reality is there's hope, there is possibility because Because, seriously, if I can do it, you can do it. And that's really what it comes down to. If you see somebody who's living that life, who has, like, a great relationship with her kids, who has a well-run home, well I wonder how I can bring that into my home. It's possible. Open the door to the possibility that there is a better way, because we should be able to enjoy our kids.

Tessa Weenink: 1:02:17

God didn't give our kids to us to stress us out all the time, even though that sometimes happens. He gave us these amazing little people that we have the privilege of watching grow up and guiding their journeys and being a part of this adventure. This is a blessing. Children are a blessing. We will say it. But how often do we look at our kids in those tough moments and say they are still a blessing, even if it's hard? Motherhood shouldn't be hard all the time. Yes, it's hard sometimes, but it shouldn't be hard all the time. And if it is hard all the time for you, what if it doesn't have to be? What if you could learn the skills to increase your capacity to give more and find more peace and order in your life. What if?

Sheila Nonato: 1:03:03

That's beautiful. Yes, what if? And so how can you help us? You have a program. Is it still called from stress to blessed?

Tessa Weenink: 1:03:11

yes, I do. I have a course I have since our last um podcast, I think I changed platforms from build a country home to if you go to aimtotheheartcom, you will find my blog with a lot of this stuff, and I have a a course called Stress to Bless Master the Art of Christian Homemaking, where I walk you through how to design a home management routine that works for your family. For some moms or homeschool moms, you're going to need something different than a mom who works outside the home. You're going to need something different if you have your kids in lots of activities, if you have a few kids, if you have a lot of kids. That is one of the big reasons why all of these checklists we find online don't work. I mean, there's checklists out there that talk about changing the cat litter. Well, I don't have a cat, so I don't need to spend all Wednesday doing cat care. I mean, we have cats, they're outside in the barn, I don't need to change their litter. So I walk you through not only how to figure out exactly what needs to be done in your house, how often it needs to be done, and then how to teach it to your children, how to communicate these things with your spouse, open those conversations with your spouse how to literally teach your kids, based on different personalities and different stages and ages, and so it takes you through.

Tessa Weenink: 1:04:21

That is my signature course Stress to Bless Master the Art of Christian Homemaking I also do.

Tessa Weenink: 1:04:26

In spite of the fact that I am now also working outside the home in town, I do still have openings for private coaching and there are the options to. I can walk you through the course material if that's, if you're, if homemaking is where your struggle is, or basically anything mom and life related. I am trained. I'm a certified wholeness strategist with the Wholeness Coaching School, and so I am trained to speak with women and to guide them through all stages of their life, whether it be I've had clients that are single and looking to become a person that is comfortable being single and looking for a spouse, all the way to retirees who are trying to figure out how to relate to their adult children or, let's be honest, not all retirees know how to run their home and it gets harder when you get older and your energy is different. So kind of the whole gamut of life coaching for women. Those are two different ways that you can work with me, or you can just go read some of my blog posts.

Sheila Nonato: 1:05:25

Yes, amazing. And you were saying you got married at 19. Is that correct? Yeah, so looking back at all that you have learned over the years, what would you say to your 19 or 20 year old self, you know, when you were in the midst of all the busyness of being a new mom, of all the newness of having a baby, running a household, being a wife, what would you say to her when she's not feeling the joy of motherhood, when there's all the chaos or the stress, or just a lot of work and less sleep, little sleep, what would you say to her to recover, to reclaim that joy?

Tessa Weenink: 1:06:11

I would say put one foot in front of the other. That's all you need to do. Just take what's right in front of you. Sometimes capacity is non-existent. You don't have to do it. You don't have to do it all, just take the next step. That's all you need to focus on right now. But at the same time, keep taking that next step because there is so much hope. There is a way and I had to tell myself this often through health issues, through depression, through a postpartum depression, which is a different beast altogether than regular depression, through marital struggles, through business struggles, all of this sort of stuff. Take one more step and hold on to that hope in your life.

Tessa Weenink: 1:06:56

I have a blog post about staying focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you can't see the light, sometimes it's around the corner. You just take one more step and eventually that light will come back into view. And it took me a really long time to get to the point where I can finally feel like I am mostly out of that tunnel of struggle and darkness and the stress and the overwhelm. But the light is always there. He is always there. You just need to take one more step. So always maintain that hope.

Sheila Nonato: 1:07:31

Well, that's uh. I mean, I'm so grateful that you shared your story, Um it. It is an inspiration. I you know I guess what you were saying about sort of turning the script or turning the mindset about oh, I, you know, this person has everything. I'm so jealous. Tessa has, you know, her house running so well and she's able to do all these businesses.

Sheila Nonato: 1:07:52

Now I feel so small but, as you were saying, transform that Like, why do you? Why, I guess, as women we sometimes have, maybe we always have this sort of mirror that you know we have to, we have to be the same. But why, why should we compare in a negative way when we can just say you know what, I'm happy for her, I'm happy that you are doing so well, that you have an inspirational story that I can learn from, as you were saying, that we can learn from others. And, yeah, I love that flipping of the switch in terms of that mindset that we, instead of feeling inadequate, we are seeing how we can build capacity through the story of somebody else who has gone through a lot, as you have, and you've been able to find that hope and that light even in the midst of your struggles, and I'm so inspired by you and I thank you for coming back. Was there anything else you wanted to add?

Tessa Weenink: 1:08:52

I think really just keep stepping forward and know that there's hope, like at the end of it. Yeah, life can be hard, it can throw you all sorts of BS to deal with, but but God at the end of the day, but God is always there and he holds us if we allow him, and he can help us take that next step forward. Keep going. Just take another step forward. That's all you need to do In the midst of the hard. Just take one more step, that's it. Step forward, that's all you need to do.

Sheila Nonato: 1:09:26

In the midst of the hard. Just take one more step, that's it, Amen. And please remind us where can we find you online, your courses and your blog again?

Tessa Weenink: 1:09:34

So you can find my blog and my courses are all at aimedattheheartcom, or my specific courses are at productsaimedattheheartcom, but there's links back and forth. I am I hate social media and you will notice that I'm not on it a lot, but I do have an Instagram account at Aimed at the Heart that I need to do stuff at some point, but I do still check my DMs there because I use social media for my other business. So those are really the two locations and pop onto my email list. I actually have a free email challenge called Hot mess, to fully blessed five days to making over your home and your heart, transforming your home in your heart. So check that out and eventually I will begin. I haven't been in my office a lot. One of my life hurdles was that I broke both of my feet at the same time and was an incredible amounts of pain for several months, so I'm now starting to get things up. So get on my email list. You will start hearing from me soon.

Sheila Nonato: 1:10:31

I forgot to ask you about that. I don't know, if you have time, like a couple of minutes, what happened?

Tessa Weenink: 1:10:38

If you can share with us. So I have really bad luck walking and on multiple occasions have either sprained both ankles, yes at the same time, or broke one foot and sprained the other, or just broke a foot. The last beginning of October, I guess, of 2024, I fell. I stepped off a curb and the curb was totally fine. It was not the curb's fault. The step that I took forward after that I twisted one foot and fell straight down because I didn't want to knock over my children like bowling pins, so my foot broke. And then I landed on my other foot and my big toe broke, and the location of the break on the foot it's called a Jones fracture.

Tessa Weenink: 1:11:20

I don't know if you're any medical people following. It's not a fun one and it's incredibly painful. And so I was off both feet. They were so swollen and sore and I would. My feet were elevated. I couldn't walk. It was a uh non-weight bearing on my one foot for eight weeks. So my kids had to step up and run the household again and they, they. I would nurse the toddler and then say, oh, he needs a clean diaper and pass him to one of my sons, because I literally couldn't walk. And I would nurse the toddler and then say, oh, he needs a clean diaper and pass him to one of my sons because I literally couldn't walk, and I would. My mother thankfully had this little like rolling walker where I could oh, and I also put out a couple of ribs in in the process. So yeah it was.

Tessa Weenink: 1:11:57

I was a hurting unit for a good couple of months and everything stopped. I couldn't even get into the office because anytime I put my feet down they would start like throbbing and immense pain. So I had to sit with my feet elevated for a really long time as the swelling slowly went down. But because of the fact that my kids had the skills this is not, unfortunately, the first time that I've been off my feet they had to step up and the whole time through it. And now this is, I think, a testament to some deep thought work that I have done and my own life and business coach that I have worked with for a number of years.

Tessa Weenink: 1:12:32

This whole time I thought it's just a broken foot or broken feet. It could be way worse, because I could have spiraled into a really, really bad depression and historically that would have been the case, that I would have gone and I would have still been like waiting through the muck of that depression, but I was able to, oddly enough, like laugh it off a lot of times. I think part of it was I didn't realize how much pain I was in until the pain subsided, but it was just broken feet At the end of the day. It could have been much worse. I ended up having a CT scan and for making sure everything was working properly, that I didn't have blood clots and stuff, and I thought, wow, like this could have been life threatening, but it wasn't. And even if it was, god was still holding my family together in ways that I could not even have imagined.

Tessa Weenink: 1:13:22

So sometimes thought work is life changing, life coaching can be life changing. I had tried medications and all the other things, but that was what got it for me, so that in these moments, not only did my family have the skills to run the household, but I had the fortitude, in spite of the pain and the frustration. I'm not going to lie, that was a really frustrating period because I had businesses to run, I had children to raise, I had laundry to do, but to be able to just sit and say you know what? This is where God put me right now and so I'm just going to sit my butt here in this chair every single day and wait until his next step for me, physically, literally the next step for me when I was able to start walking again yeah, it was. It was ridiculous. I haven't like, I don't have any air balance issues. I don't have bone density issues. My doctors said you just have really bad luck walking.

Sheila Nonato: 1:14:22

So yeah, and you were protecting your children, so you were a mother.

Sheila Nonato: 1:14:27

You're being a mother,

Tessa Weenink: 1:14:28

yeah every single time that I have like injured myself, it is because I don't want to drop the baby or fall on one of my children, so I'll just blame my kids.

Sheila Nonato: 1:14:38

Well, your, your life experiences are a testimony to the program you created. So I hope, listeners, if you're needing to find some inspiration, some tips, some direction, you'll reach out to Tessa. And thank you again, tessa. I really appreciate your time and your expertise and it's always fun to talk to you because I'm always learning, because I'm always learning and I still have to implement all the things that you taught from the last podcast, because I need time to let go of my pride about how I need to run my household, but I do.

Sheila Nonato: 1:15:16

Yes, that's why I started reading the Bible, because I need to go back to God. Go back to God and prayer. And yeah, as you were saying, I started praying in the morning, even though I don't have an hour or anything, tried to get up earlier, or because my husband and my one of my kids goes to school far away so they have to leave by six. So when they leave, that's when I try to pray and my kids my other kids are still sleeping. But my husband has actually told me that he's noticed a difference when I started, when I started praying in the morning, like starting the day off, like that, that he's noticed that I was happier and I thought, wow, I never.

Tessa Weenink: 1:15:57

I never noticed, but I guess he noticed and so, yeah, I feel like this is great, or a manicure or something to fill your cup. But no, you really don't. I've never. I was gonna say I need to get a haircut or a manicure or something to fill your cup. But no, you really don't, I've never. I was going to say I've never had a haircut. I, my husband cuts my hair, and I've never had a manicure and I'm still filled. You don't need to go out, have a girl's night.

Sheila Nonato: 1:16:28

You don't need to do all the fancy things to get filled, you just need to meet God and allow him tessa, and hopefully you're back again and I hope you don't. You don't have any falls. Actually I fell this weekend. I had, yeah, I had. I was thinking about you and I'm like how am I gonna cook? Because I haven't really taught my kids the ins and outs of cooking, although they actually they learned themselves. It was one time I was sick and, yeah, my kid just started making mac and cheese and I was worried she was gonna burn herself because I didn't teach her, but but she did it like.

Sheila Nonato: 1:16:53

I'm reminded of the story of your. Is it your three-year-old who came downstairs to make?

Sheila Nonato: 1:16:57

oatmeal

Tessa Weenink: 1:16:59

Yes, yeah, so I'm sitting on the counter beside the stove making oatmeal on the stove crazy, amazing, amazing.

Sheila Nonato: 1:17:05

They are so much more capable than you think.

Tessa Weenink: 1:17:07

I'm sorry about your hand, that sucks.

Sheila Nonato: 1:17:09

Yeah, no, it's okay, it was a reminder of humility. And also, yeah, you know, jesus suffered. It's Lent and Jesus suffered for us. This is just a very tiny sliver of the pain he felt, so it made me remind me of the cross and you know, have courage and get up. Well, that was the lesson really is. I fell and you have to get up, right, yeah, yeah.

Tessa Weenink: 1:17:33

Find a way to get up, and that's what you do, even if, yeah, you, you do, you just do right, you get up.

Sheila Nonato: 1:17:39

Take that other step and that's what you've done. With all the life's challenges and the falls the literal falls that you've had. You have gotten up and you had help because you trained them to help you so yeah, that's amazing.

Sheila Nonato: 1:17:55

So anyway, I'm looking forward to the next conversation with you. So have a great day, have a blessed day and thank your kids for allowing this time with you. So take care Bye. Have a blessed day and thank your kids for allowing this time with you. So take care, bye, bye, thank you. Thank you for listening to the Veil and Armour podcast.

Co-Host: 1:18:28

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